Have been blogging markedly less. Started a new personal pen and paper journal some time back, and have been using that as a replacement. It feels a lot safer, I guess.

During my working days I did type some rather incoherent ramblings out, perhaps I will publish all those at one go someday.

While working the weeks seem to blur. No one is counting them unlike how we often counted semesters at school. The weekend provides a respite to work and the workweek provides a respite to boredom and anxiety from staying at home. I am only glad for one to start because it means the end of the other.

18th May, Wednesday: Possibly one of my most unfortunate starts to a day, ever. The factors played into this unfortunate series of events can only be described as incomprehensible. The good that came out of it was that my dad managed to get from his bed to his seat on the plane within three-quarters of an hour, and a very kind and comforting stranger lent me his umbrella that rainy morning.
26th May, Monday: Someone I knew struck the lottery using my phone number. (of course this is pure luck, but I still feel rather glad about it)
27th May, Tuesday: Ate dinner with a group of friends from college.
29th May, Thursday:
30th May, Friday:
31st May, Saturday: Met up with Sh and M for a day out, pretty glad I got to see Sh after a pretty long time.

The Internet became boring last night. I got distracted easily, watching bits of movies while painting my nails and then getting impatient so I just turned off my laptop. Not sure why I found it so hard to be 100% engaged in any form of leisure activity.

20th April, Sunday
26th April, Saturday:
27th April, Sunday

---

4th May, Sunday: Ate dad's pizza for dinner! <3

Have been getting a bit worried about how moody I get during the weekend. I don't even know what to do with the Internet, so I lie in bed for a good portion of the day.

bouts

Once again, it's the same old. Lying on the bed, all dressed up but nowhere to go, no one to see. Sometimes I look through the photos on my camera and feel glad that at least, my family's stuck with me.

You'll forget me by and by

Really enjoy having a regular job, keeping my head down and being one out of the horde of commuters and lunch-goers during rush hours in the city. It makes me feel nameless and alone, like I could disappear from my previous life, like I am finally my own person.

12 April, Saturday: Attended a really fancy wedding, sold a skateboard for a decent sum of money and then accidentally took the wrong train. It was a fun trip to Daiso though.
13th April, Sunday:
14th April, Monday: Dinner with a stranger. Kind of enjoyed having a companion in my solitude.
15th April, Tuesday:
16th April, Wednesday: Was very happy with my makeup that day. Seems like using a brush for eyeshadow really helps!
17th April, Thursday: Ate Subway (<33) for lunch! It was yummy as usual and made me really happy (and sleepy) for the rest of the day. Planning to eat it again next week! Also received parcels of items I had bought. And it probably sounds ridiculous, but someone called me pretty. (For reasons that elude me, I am an awfully superficial person when it comes to my own appearance)
18th April, Friday: Slept most of the day, which I guess is always good.
19th April, Saturday: Found out that there will be a booth selling imported cosmetics at cheaper prices near my workplace, plan to check it out on Monday!

Finally, I seem to be earning some money

10 April, Thursday: Had a bit of a strange interview at a local firm that actually lasted about 5 hours. It was an interesting experience though, and it's lovely to know that so many people genuinely wish the best for those they meet. (or at least that's the impression they gave me...)
11 April, Friday: Uploaded a bunch of stuff on Carousell and managed to sell some stuff. Also, got a job! Remuneration and working conditions seem to be better than what I expected to get, but it's too soon to say that now. Fingers crossed though!

6 April 2014, Sunday: Hmmm.......
7 April 2014, Monday: Woke up with one of the sweetest dreams I've ever had. It was such a precious non-memory that I wrote it down in my phone before leaving the bed. Also did a bit of a mass mailing.
8 April, 2014, Tuesday:
9 April 2014, Wednesday: First post on Lookbook. I don't think it was that great, but who cares! Also went shopping for the first time in ages and picked up some items in my favourite blue and white floral print.

4th April, Friday: Officially withdrew from school. Freedom! Borrowed Lady Oracle again. Also, finally sent off my photos.
5th April, Saturday: The last school assignment was completed. Had fun.

Need to start looking for a job soon...

This is how it is, I guess

31st March, Monday: The freedom of not having to submit things on time! A friend of mine told me to "take care" upon hearing that I was leaving. I didn't say anything, but his sincerity meant a lot to me.

1st April, Tuesday: Had a nice chat with this girl from one of my classes, just shows that there are friendly people everywhere.

I placed a button sticker on my phone, so basically every time I apply pressure while it's face down whilst pressing the lock button to snooze, it takes a screenshot. Below is just an example of what I regularly get in my photos folder after finally getting out of bed:

2nd April, Wednesday: Asked for help, and got it! Finally completed my assignment in the wee hours of the morning (actually it was already Thursday). Then managed to get 2048 for the first time! Heard the newspaper deliveryman driving by before I fell asleep.

3rd April, Thursday: Saw so many adorable children on the train! There was this little boy sleeping with his head resting on his father's lap, the way the dad was so gentle with the boy made me want to weep.

Got my hands on a mini bottle of au thé blanc. Somehow I find the scent crisp yet soothing and dreamy at the same time.

Brought a camera out after a long while and used it! Results can be seen in this post.

24th March, Monday
25th March, Tuesday: Had a good presentation.
26th March, Wednesday: Woke up after noon. Had a pretty good Wednesday afternoon. Wondered about some things. Watched I Am Sam and went through nearly 30 tissues.

I've been pretty ill these few days, so didn't really do much besides sleep, mope around the house and feel sorry for myself.

20th March, Thursday: Got my soya bean ice cream! And also got free medical treatment thanks to my insurance.
21st March, Friday: Bumped into J and finally bought a decent formal skirt.
22nd March, Saturday: Slept a good 12 hours, and then some more in the afternoon.
23rd March, Sunday: Can't really think of anything that happened, shall place more photos from 10th March instead. We had a nice view of the Masjid Sultan.

Let you know.

When time is running out,
when you know you stand a chance,
however small.

You want to shout it out,
paint it in bold letters on walls,
write it down in a little card and hand it to him.

The willingness to cast everything aside to let him to know,
to make it happen.

It surprises you.


Note to reader: I am not a poet nor is this meant to be some kind of poetry. This is just a way of expressing my thoughts right now, disjointed as they are. Am lacking the time, energy and coherence to craft them into proper, eloquent prose. I repeat, this not some attempt at poetry. If it was, it would be a really bad one.

I wish you'd let me know, even if it only lasts a while

Now that it's been decided that I am going after all,
it feels too much like leaving.
And I realise how badly I want and need you to tell me:
stay.



15th March, Saturday: Honestly, nothing much happened.
16th March, Sunday: Let my parents know about the news with UCL. They agreed.
17th March, Monday: Got my green tea McFlurry!
18th March, Tuesday: Two more Tuesdays left. I hope they will be better than this one was.
19th March, Wednesday: Slept in. Spent a cosy afternoon on the armchair swaddled in my thick blanket as I alternated between doing work and watching YouTube videos on air disasters. Somewhat like the old days in secondary school and junior college.

But dreams come slow, and they go so fast.

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low,
Only hate the road when you're missing home.

Barring any unlikely and extreme changes with family and finance, the decision on whether to leave for London or remain here lies entirely with me. Except for the fact that I've spent close to two decades here, I see no reason not to move.

Of course, there is the statistically-not-improbable possibility that I will end up hating living in the UK/Europe long-term. Maybe I will come to hate the cold weather and the food, and end up dreaming of rice, noodles, humidity and the sun while shivering in bed after eating stale bread for dinner.

Only need the light when it's burning low,
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow.

No doubt that if I leave, I will wonder what could have happened with certain people here. For the most part I know I will be relieved though.

But dreams come slow, and they go so fast.

Note to reader: Quotes are from the song "Let Her Go" by Passenger, go check it out!

On Wednesday I saw an old man pushing a cleaning trolley just outside Raffles City. He seemed to be struggling and paused often. As he proceeded the pauses became more frequent, sometimes as often as every four or five steps. The floor was slightly sloped which might have been the reason for his struggle. I followed him for a bit. Thought of helping him, then decided to proceed with my life as usual. Comforted myself with the thought that I am not a horrible person, because everyone else was doing the same. I knew, even as I turned away, that it was a horrible thought.

10 March, Monday: Went for a drink and got buzzed to just the right amount, and was still able to wake up on time the next day! Also did a bit of nighttime reading before going to bed, a habit I'm trying to cultivate instead of just staring at my laptop/phone.
11 March, Tuesday: I love how M tells me some things that I think he is rather uncomfortable telling other people about. And though I doubt anything will happen, I know I will miss our Tuesday classes when the semester ends.
12 March, Wednesday: Funny video calls.
13 March, Thursday: Had a good afternoon with last semester's classmates. Received an unconditional offer from UCL. Excited about it but not sure if I will take it up just yet, we shall see.
14 March, Friday: Exhausting day. Glad I made it through. Watched the rest of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Also, I really like/appreciate it when guys offer to carry things for you, especially when I truly do need the help.

On a side note, the days have been flying past and my second semester is ending in less than a month now, or only 2-3 weeks if you consider revision week. If I do indeed leave for UK, I will miss the time spent this semester.

6th to 9th March

6th March: Finished my assignment, even though it probably definitely was a bad job.
7th March: Bummed around instead of studying. Glad I still know how to procrastinate despite the relentless positive peer pressure to study.
8th March: Thought I did pretty decently in the mid-term. It was probably the first mid-term where I actually knew what to write. Later took bus 103 all the way into Seletar. It's been the first time I've done that for a while because I was so afraid of the place changing terribly. Yes, it has changed. It is no longer as desolate and quiet as I remember it to be. Plan to take another trip and walk around on foot a bit to see if there are still areas that are calm and abandoned. Completed the series of House and watched Moonrise Kingdom.
9th March: The calming croaking of frogs outside my window has been going on for the past few hours since nightfall.

I'm going to put this out here only so that I will actually do it - Planning to take some shots and submit them to agencies. Hopefully I'll get a Plan B to what I'm currently studying.

2nd - 5th March

2nd March: If I remember correctly, one of my most productive days ever.
3rd March: Got praised for my scriptwriting, which made me wonder about my choice of study. Planning to be more serious about writing.
4th March: A good Tuesday, ate Subway with M. Talked more.
5th March: Received the grade for an assignment. Got a B, probably the first time that my grades have been about the same as my peers (it is usually lower).

Golden point

I love writing. It makes me feel content. This is my medium, something I am comfortable with; something in which I can explore, yet still be safe. There is an indescribable satisfaction in churning out sentences of beautifully-crafted words. The best is when you read what you have written and feel a sense of pride welling up within you.

There is no shame in writing. No one will see what you have written until you are ready, and you need not ever show anyone what you have written if that is not your intention. If you are shy, writing is a way of expressing yourself, expressing and later remembering your feelings without exposing yourself to others. With writing, there are no awkward pauses, no stutters, no clumsily-phrased words and no blushing - unless you write them in. The nerve-wrecking tension of real human interaction is blissfully avoided in writing.

And of course, if you later find that you do not like what you have wrote, you can burn them, tear them, throw them away.

Or in this case, delete the post.

27th Feb: Received my order from ASOS! Everything suits me well and I might even do a post on it if I happen to be free.
28th Feb: Stayed home most of the day, had a few drinks at dinner.
1 March: Stayed home again. Honestly, not much happened though. Glad I managed to catch an episode of House?

I have a ton of work to complete by Monday but I'm kind of looking forward to school starting again. Hope that if I'm friendly others will be, too.

The biggest lie

It's been difficult trying to stay positive, or at least less negative/anxious recently, I feel like I've been putting in effort to be more friendly but end up being perceived as awkward/weird/shy.

That's probably why I've been putting off doing this "one positive thing a day" challenge. Guess I'm afraid to admit to myself that not a single thing succeeded in lifting my spirits on certain days.

5th to 12th Feb: ???

13th Feb: Managed to survive the day, i.e. found friendly people I didn't feel too weird with.
14th Feb: The workshop wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. A clear example of how my anxiety can get ahead of me and create detailed scenarios a million times worse than reality. Happy valentine's! (ok not really)
15th Feb: Am on ASOS now and apparently I made a huge order on this day. Still waiting for it to arrive!
16th Feb: Got bitten by a dog. Since I'm typing this retrospectively, I can say that it was actually a rather interesting experience. Honestly it was nowhere near as painful as I had expected a dog bite to be. It looked pretty bad but it didn't hurt much and seems to be healing fairly well. :)
17th Feb:
18th Feb: Really appreciate that a friend ate again even though he wasn't hungry so that I didn't have to eat alone... Actually I wouldn't have minded if he had been honest but it was the thought that went into his actions that made me glad. A fun day fooling others into believing that there was a test to study for. One of them still thinks the test is real!
19th Feb: Had lunch with old friends and I managed to arrive on time.
20th Feb: ? Went to the library with K after class to print notes.
21st Feb: Stayed at home the entire day, save for some time around 10pm when I realised that I'd run out of paper and I needed some to print my notes on ASAP. Managed to get some before the shops closed.
22nd Feb: Had an approximately 4 hour lunch with some course mates. Clearly, we can hold a conversation. So glad no one turned to their phones too much (pet peeve of mine). Borrowed a bunch of books from the library.
23rd Feb: Had lunch at some relatives' place. Didn't talk to anyone but it was interesting seeing them.
24th Feb: S came over to my house to look at the dog farm and we baked cookies. Prepared some for D as a birthday present, I'm glad I did. It's been so long since I've seen her.
25th Feb: If I recall correctly I completed Battle Royale in the morning of this day. Proceeded to have a pretty rough day in the library, then met J for dinner and a walk in the evening.
26th Feb: Bumped into my brother on the way home and had a chat with him. It probably seems strange to list this but though we stay in the same house we hardly see or speak to each other much.

30th Jan - 4th Feb

30th Jan: Met my friend and his dog.
31st Jan: Ate a lot...?
1st Feb: Went for a jog (probably negates the heavy eating)
2nd Feb: Dinner with some relatives I haven't seen in a year.
3rd Feb: Unexpectedly friendly people in one of my classes. Long meeting, but I felt it was worthwhile.
4th February: Had a fun train ride as I bumped into two acquaintances. Had a nice Tuesday lunch and class.

I feel compelled to keep the details vague as I don't really want to divulge to many details lest I somehow end up being identified. It's a bit sad to leave so much out, I really hope I will write the full details out in my personal diary.

24-27 January 2013

24th Jan: Had a good lunch with an acquaintance-friend , something which is a bit of an accomplishment given that I tend to become overly nervous in such situations. Later took the LNAT which I think I did reasonably okay in. Hoping to better my score! And the waiter at Coffee Bean was really friendly. In the evening I watched the movie Never Let Me Go, it was wonderful. This leads to...
25th Jan: Spent the rest of my Saturday feeling rather emotionally drained after crying so much. (this is a good feeling)
26th Jan: My dad's birthday!
27th Jan: Met up with someone I haven't seen in a while and had a long, walk. Also I bumped into my old tutor on the train.

Back home now and feeling strangely contended. The days have been passing fast and I will probably have to make some big decisions pretty soon.

catching up

I've skipped quite a few days for the 365 day challenge, but for the 23rd of January I was glad to have an hour where I could just stand in a spot in the city centre and people watch/collect my thoughts, thanks to the low battery on my phone. I was waiting for someone, but it sure felt pretty peaceful.

22nd January: I was glad to meet a friend from college by coincidence. Hadn't seen her for close to a year, if not longer.
21st January: I was glad that I took the step to get in touch with someone before they drifted too far away.
20th January: Glad to find someone selling what I wanted at a low price!
19th January: It was a good day working hard at the dog shelter.
18th January: ?
17th January: ?

Submitted UCAS

Just submitted my UCAS application for the second time, barely an hour before the deadline. I am exhausted. I have chipped nail polish to be taken off and a ton of readings to be done before noon tomorrow. But all is good. Now I shall wait for offers and rejections to roll in, before deciding what to do.

For the 15th/16th of January: I am glad that I convinced myself to go through with the UCAS application in the end, regardless of the fact that I probably could have drafted a better personal statement had I not given myself such little time to prepare, and that I do not even yet know if I will really end up going overseas.

And now, time for bed.

2014

For every day of 2014, I will write down something good that happened to me that day or one thing that I am grateful for. Then when the year ends, I can look back and realise that life is great if you let it be.

My new year resolution for 2014 is to be a better person, whatever that may mean.

... And also to read more books. Planning to go to the library tomorrow!
      

Probably one of the best things I could have seen on 1 Jan.